i write like a five year old.as we were driving, a satellite sent me urgent messages to be a home for you. they were hidden in commercials for new houses. the messages said they needed to be sold now now now and filled with people eating and loving and sleeping and leaving it and coming back. everyone needs a home. i turned off my radio because i don't want you to be reminded of what you don't have.it was quiet then. i liked the silence, because i can listen to you breathing. if we were silent long enough, i can imagine your warm breath filling up the car, mixing with mine, until what was inside of me could be inside of you. i think you would find that creepy, so i promise myself never to tell you. you hate silence, and a wave of irritation crossed your face. it is fascinating. i almost hit a car, watching.watching you.i parked and we walked. i walk too fast for most people, and it's annoying because i don't slow down. i expect others to speed up to my pace, or risk becoming a blur in the past. you are not like
i am being empty i am point byou are likea communications towerdirecting signals across an oceanto radio receivers on the other side. andyou are beautiful.there are two kinds of people in this world:people like you andpeople like me.you are like two grammes ofsodium nitrate in my bloodstream.so small and so subtlein terms of volume,but nevertheless killing me.
this is the endwe stood still and watched the earth rush towards us.the train tracks looked like a ladder,ever star a step. life stole so much.every passing moment greeted by another. fluidand constant motion, escaping from our grasp.stay close, and we are time ticking. we are passion. for once,we are not afraid.what for, you asked. why anything.your eyelashes spoke symphonies, systematic and it sent me shivering.how could i be so hollow and so full? i am nothing that you are.i've seen many dusks and few dawns.there are mountains i hate and birds i envyand stones i throw. i wish for morehands to hold. i only love one thing thatcan't contain me or i contain it. i feel electricityin palms and fingertips, and it's pulsing. it's brilliant. it's killing me.my breath is stale. i am lost,but in the darkness you felt familiarand i just want you to hold me for a while.the train will swallow us, whole,if we're lucky. look deep into the blindinglight and step forward. this is ourlast breat
when you paintI am fightingto be a building burning to the ground.you are a lover. you are my lover.you have cans of gasoline.you have matches.you have no causeand no pity.I am alight.
obsessionsstone manyou don't look me in the eyes anymore.and sometimesI really wish you did."come alive (I want to be someoneyou could live for. I want to beyour reason.) move.anything, please. just once,just for me."(I carved you to besomething beautifuland I can destroy you into something better.with a hammer in a heavy hand,you'll be in pieces scattered aroundand I'll never be alone again.)stone manI made you a stone heart.and stillyou can'tlove me.
directionas life grows coldI head for distance.wandering dusksettles on my shoulders,searching for it's beginningand my end.I'm so tired. I needyour warmth.(some nightsI sketch your handsto remember the lightfor a whileeverything is good.)
make new friends, keep the oldI have many friends,and they are lonely.They like alcoholand cigarettesand pills and powder and fuckingand they don't like being toldwhat not to do.they are poorthey are nicethey have each otherand that's enough(until they need more.) they say I'll be an alcoholic.they say I'll become a chain smoker.they say I'll live in a shitty apartmentand all I will do is write.(I ask them when the fuckapathy became an emotion. they don'thave an answerfor that one.)I say we all die eventuallyand being a writer is terribly cliché wayto do just that.They ask me for more money.I give it to them, usually. I don't care.I don't need lonely friendsbut they need me.
spaceI sank.the worldlooks betterdown here.empty. dark.quiet.my ghosts can'tfind me.this is my placemine alone.(until the day I need to breathe.I hopeI neverdo.)
soundwavesradio towerscounting hoursfor every static lettertransmitterand make-shiftladderlike fingersflying downspinesrealignedlike thoughtsstumblinglike watches andwindowstumblingand electric timetickingrhyming and lying(I lied) tied,side by sideby myself.
asteroidi.she is an asteroid,collisions coilingthrough belted dressesthat skim past stomachand smoothe her flawsand soothe her faults.an axis awakening;bend like this, flex like that,aspiration reminding herwith angry rotationsthat she is still presentin her heavy astrosphere.ii.she is seeking absolution,absolut and freefallenshe flirts with the night-club lights like aurora floatingjust out of reachunder an ashen skyatlas stained with atlantic salt,there is no hall unmarkedand these nights segueinto self-imposedalcho-asthenia.iii.she strips her face acousticno make-up, no need to wake upan hour early for this adagioaddiction to adding,always adding more to her skinto hide the parts thatgasp and poison her visionlike asp assassins.be quick or be dead,she moves so slow.iv.she measures minutesby an aftershock timeline;stunned autumnal by brickscrushed to powder,always underfootshe's stuck between the faultsas they line straight through her world;iv pie
the things we cannot knowand darling, there are thingsi never told you; like howi blessed you while you were sleepingin the hour before the end -asked the universe to watch over youand conspire towards your happiness, towards you,covered you with be brave's andgoodness and mercy and light,fingers touching your spinelike a rosary---and my darling, time is a flat circleso you are still sitting at my kitchen table,still asleep with your head on my breast;we have already come together like waves,repeatedly, and dark against the sky;you have yet to walk through the july nightto kiss me on a crumbling riverbank;i have yet to know if i will see you again,and how and where, and when
TiredI'm so very tiredOf this daily routineAlways the same thingDay after dayLife is greyAs dull and boringAs it can getWhat happened to my dreams?What happened to my passion?Why can't I liveInstead of just surviving?
Life Hides Lovethe whisper below your wordsis your soul telling methat you're starving itthat the end of infinitycan't come quickly enoughand i whisper back, my dear,that life hides love deeplyin the most painful of placesthat love finds its waythrough the mazenot by looking for lightor dark, but bybalancing and buildingboth into somethingtall and climbable, yetlow and comfortableso when curious eyes risepeer over the wallsand realize the labyrinthstretches into forever,there's something softbetween you and the groundto catch youwhen you let golove is bigger, sharpersofter than what any selvescan want or needit's our all-scentionthrough, above and below wallswithout ever leaving them, it'sour becoming a stationof peace along the way
untitled (broken records don't have names)my fingers flutter sunrise butterflies,floating in the morningas it breaks through the gloomthat came post-gloaming.but i confess,i have no graspon what to do with daylightthese days.you were a drop of sunlightreflected in my cloudy-sky eyeseventually you became toogood for me, and i gave upmy waxed wings are still intact, butmy shoulders are too sore fromcarrying this deadweight with anobnoxious, obstinate heartbeatand how are you faring this golden afternoon?you will never answer and yetmy mind loops broken records,asking as if you could hear.light halos the plain beneath my feetbut i shy away from sunshine,an icarus-inherited fear of fallingor just ofletting go.because we were supposed tobe something beautiful, somethingworth falling for(or you were, at least, and there isno way to ask if you fell hard enough)but shattered cds still lie on the floorcollecting the sunlight that idon't know what to do withbecause i can't spend it on you, anymore.listl
Masked Pain Masked Pain Bright eyes, big smile. sobs silenced in haste Bursts of laughter ring out tears stifled within Grab my hand lets dance while my soul drowns in sorrowWe'll jump and touch the skymy heart sinking... sinking ... This is gonna be a blast! don't mind my shattered heart. Can't you see I'm all smiles when really I'm crying inside We're 10 feet tall! though I feel 9 feet under Isn't this the best day ever? the pain seemed to go on forever I hope you had as much fun as I had. I can barely contain the turmoil inside Goodbye my friend, let's have fun again. Hurry! Leave! before you see my pain. Alone... I'm alone now.... Good... Let the mask fall......pain... all there is... is pain...
default dawns1.windshields floodedin aqueous lumensin ruminating half-startswe press our cartographscloser to human formswarm of failed livesand unweathered stormsgod help usas we bravelymourn2.solidify a circle of wry smilesthat verify our circuits are worthwhilefinal breaths can't be taken backand your tact won't serve you wellwhen your strained tendonsimpact the seabedno weeping here, lovethe salt does not providea place for confided truthor wasted youthor broken sternumsonly a terminusfor acidic sermonson proof3.look at my expert failureand tepid futuremy tea leavesget crushedin my molar massand swishin absinthe leaksbruise, you aremy sweetest endeavorand i sweari will maintainyour violet smirkand the brilliant ashof your charred grass skirt4.at this point i feel likesurvivingbut that has not alwaysbeen the casei wished you had destroyed me,broken both my legsand scoffed at my searingthe glory of a hallelujahfrom the comfort of dirt5.face flec
Vesuviuslone silhouette in an arctic expanse,suffocating del(e)rium, suffering the sound ofdearth, of deaththe deep breath of Thursday (wood day, would dayever come)white is still white in the cradle of nighttea party for one, brush of lips on white chinaa nib kisses white sheets andfreezesnot to savour, but to cling to eternity frozen in timebreathe in. breathe out. move.notes eruptshooting up, fire shoots though arteries(sp)utter with ashen hands and chokethrough wood smokecharcoal lines the abysseight letters blindsided Pompeii.
FateDueling our fatesChallenging the oddsWe keep survivingThe only thing we can doIn this world of cruelty
catching upI'm spent andsitting. broke and bleeding.within my memories,your hands arecaught.I can't forgetwhat time forgot.